WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2009

THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO THE DEMOCRATS IN THE LAST YEAR WAS...


A) The swearing in of President Obama

B) Sara Palin's big mouth.

C) South Carolina Governor Mark Sandford's hike. 

D) Sara Palin's burning ambition to be queen bee.

E) Passage of some kind of Health Care Reform

F) Sara Palin's entire family.

G) Senator Ensign's Parents paying hush money to his girl friend.

H) Sara Palin's Obsessive- Compulsive disorder.

I) The Passage of the Stimulus bill.

J) Sara Palin.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2009

WE HAVE HAD THE TWENTIES, THE FORTIES, AND THE NINETIES. WHAT SHALL WE CALL THE DECADE THAT IS NOW COMPLETED?


A) The 'Aughties'.

B) The Twenty Hundreds.

C) The Naughties.

D) The Naughts.

E) The Nothings.

F) The Malfunctions. (Wardrobe, Katrina, Iraq, Wall Street)

G) The Bushies.

H) The Nothings.

I) Let's just pretend that Pam has walked in on Bobby in the shower, and do a re-do - from Florida 2000 to Washington January 2008. We'll call it "The Pam's"

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2009

It has been charged that Editor Gerard Baker has tilted the Wall Street Journal news coverage to the right. This is...


A) A big frigging surpise, NOT.

B) Merely further proof that Rupert Murdoch is to news what jello is to desert.

C) Who cares? What is important is that James Cameron should have never been allowed to direct a movie!

D) Who even reads newspapers anymore? As Egon Spengler said in Ghostbusters, "Print is dead."

E) The rich are always right. That's why they always win. Right, win - same thing.

F) Hey, say what you will about the WJS, at least their lead story on Monday will not be "It snowed!"

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2009

THE SENATE VERSION OF HEALTH CARE REFORM IS PROOF THAT...


A) Harry Reed is the worst majority leader in recent history.

B) The Republicans are dedicated to destroying America if it prolongs their phoney baloney jobs one more day.

C) We have the best senate that money can buy.

D) Stupidity seems to be a qualification for the Senate "old boy club".

E) Governing is always harder than winning elections.

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 16, 2009

YOU CAN'T HURT HIM PHYSICALLY OR POLITICALLY. WHAT CAN WE DO TO PAY JOE BACK?

A) Turn your backs on him at all times. Joe needs attention the way most people need food.

B) Form "I'll pee on Joe's grave" clubs. After he dies, each year, one member from each chapter will be nominated to travel to urinate on Joe.

C) Erect the "Joe Liberman public pigeon feeding station and toliet " in Hartford; A statue of Joe with his head up his own butt.

D) Rename public pay toliet's "Libermans". Any body can pee in them if they pay.

E) Rename a dung beetle in his "honor".

F) Send him a sympathy card from your area, every time another person is killed by the health industry.

G) Pull an Anti-Reagan naming frenzy. Move to remove his name from anything and everything in Conneticut.

H) It is better to light one candle than to curse Joe Lieberman. No, wait, you can do both!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2009

Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Minn.) described herself during a recent interview as a "Lovable little fuzz ball." How would you describe her?


A) Foolish.

B) Flipped out

C) Fatalistic

D) Fanatical

E) Freakish

F) Frenzied

G) Fatuous

H) Farcical

I) Feather-brained.

J) Furious

K) Frenzied

L) Flaky

M) Fiendish

N) Firggin nut case!

O) All of the above, in order.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2009

Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel has predicted that Sarah Palin will run for president. What should her campaign slogan be?


A) CHANGE YOU CANNOT BELIEVE!

B) ITS NIGHTTIME IN AMERICA.

C) THE-THE-THE-THAT'S ALL FOLKS.

D) DOH!

E) SURPRISE! FIRST DUDE FOR LIFE.

F) SARA IN 2012! SHE'S MAY-AN FAVORITE CANDIDATE!

G) ONE TERM IS ALL SHE'LL NEED!

H) READ MY LIPS; NO NEW TAXES.

I) THE REAL AMERICA.1/3 IL-EDUCATED, 1/3 IL-FED, 1/3 IL-CLOTHED, AND MENTALLY ILL.

J) ANY BEAUTY QUEEN CAN GROW UP TO BE PRESIDENT.

K) MILFs FOR AMERICA!

L) R.I.P G.O.P.

Friday, December 4, 2009

SARA PALIN SAYS THE BIRTHERS SHOULD BE ENOURAGED BECAUSE OF "...the weird conspiracy theory freaky thing...that Trig isn't my real son..maybe we can reverse that." SHE IS THUS BEST DESCRIBED AS....


A) Nuts.

B) Looney tunes.

C) Out of her freaking mind.

D) Mental

E) A demento

F) Non compos mentis

G) A raving crackpot

H) A bedlamite.

I) The best freaking brain in the Republican Party.

DECEMBER 2, 2009

REPUBLICANS ARE SAYING THAT SENATOR AL FRANKEN (D-Mn) IS IS TOO ABRASIVE. THEY ARE INSULTED BECAUSE OF HIS AMMENDMENT TO STOP DEFENSE CONTRACTORS FROM FORCING ALLEDGED RAPE VICTIMS FROM PURSUING LEGAL ACTION AGAINST THEIR EMPLOYERS. 
FRANKEN SHOULD...


A) Apologize

B) Keep low and wait for it to blow over.

C) Everybody has to kiss a little ass once in awhile. Look at Obama.

D) Try not to laugh in public. If they are screaming, they must be hurting.

E) Write a new book;"The GOP are Big Fat Women Hating Idiots".

F) Screw them. Rape is non-negotiable. If it was Homosexual rape would we even be discussing this?

G) Be annointed as The Last Angry Democrat in the Senate. Or is that the First Angry Democrat?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

THE BIGGEST TURKEY LEFTOVER THIS YEAR HAS BEEN...


A) John Boehner. Aren't all his golf trips on his PAC's dime, illegal?

B) The Tea Baggers. Just who are they mad at and why?

C) Fox News. Have they been so concentrated on hating Obama, they forgot how to lie good?

D) Lou Dobbs. Why has nobody told him yet that he's a joke?

E) Sara Palin. How could so many pundits mistake greed for brains?

F) "Real Housewives of D.C." If rich vapid idiots really want to be famous, why are they not working for Fox News?

G) Mike Huckabee. Has he ever done or said anything to deserve all the attention he receives?

H) The News. Why do you call it that when it ain't new, it ain't important, it ain't informative and there ain't a dime's worth of difference between CNN and FOX?

I) The main stream media. If my stream was that weak and that intermittent wouldn't it mean I had prostate problems?

J) The Sunday pundents. Does anybody in Washington ever ask about the effect of politics on the lives of average citizens?

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 27, 2009

LOUD DOBBS, EX CNN TALKING HEAD AND FUTURE POLITICAL CANDIDATE,  HAS TOLD TELEMONDO VIEWERS "I AM ONE OF YOUR GREATEST FRIENDS.” WHAT SHOULD THE MOST LOGICAL REACTION OF HISPANIC VOTERS SHOULD BE?


A) Usted es una estúpida, de América

B) ¡Qué estúpido crees que estamos?

C) Do I vote for you before or after I clean up your daughter's horse poop?

D) Bit me, bigot.

E) This didn't work with black voters in 1980, do you really thinki it will work for Hispanics in 2012?

F) With amigos like you we don't need enemigos.

G) Great. Another fat white guy who thinks we're friends.

H) I'll bet you say that to all the straw men.

I) What? We don't even get a detailed economic proposal? Just a six pack and some pollo loco?

J) Get a picture of yourself in a huge Sombrero, then we'll talk.

K) ¡Qué ego en, este idiota

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2009

THE FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION SAYS REP. JOHN BOEHNER (R-Ohio) HAS SPENT $82,998 ON GOLF THIS YEAR. HIS BEST JUSTIFICIATION IS...



A) Putt-Putt is just not good enough for Government work.

B) Basketball is so blue collar.

C) He is still trying to perfect his slice to the right.

D) You meet so many minorities on a golf course; tending the greens and carrying clubs.

E) John is keeping his putter in prime condition.

F) John is guarding all the Republican balls. He can't afford to lose a single one.

G) Sand traps. If you don't keep an eye on them, they start to breed.

H) John has been studying the links between home forclosures and crab grass.

I) John is engaged in looking for illegal aliens hiding in clubhouse bars and showers.

J) John has been meeting his true constituants - white guys in shorts and spikes.

K) Hey, its exhausting doing nothing all the time. You try it.

Sunday November 22, 2009

SEN. BLANCHE LINCOLN (D-ARK) SAYS SHE IS THINKING ABOUT CITIZENS OF ARKANSAS WHEN SHE VOTES ON THE HEALTH CARE BILL. BUT WHAT WILL SHE BE THINKING ABOUT, REALLY?



A) How to avoid making any decision.


B) Arkansas victory over Mississippi State


C) The jobless rate in Arkansas is up to 7.6%


D) The donation she received from Humana

E) The donations she received from PHAR RESEARCH & MANUFACTURERS GOVERNMENT COMMITTEE

F) The donation she received from ABBOTT LABORATORIES EMPLOYEE PAC

 G) The donation she received from UNIVERSAL HEALTH SERVICES EMPLOYEES' GOOD GOVERNMENT FUND

H) The donation she received from MEDTRONIC MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY FUND

I) The donation she received from BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD ASSOCIATION PAC

J) The donation she received from WELLPOINT, INC. WELLPAC

K) The donation she received from VANGUARD HEALTH MANAGEMENT PAC

L) The denation she received from the NAT ASSOC OF BROADCASTERS PAC

M) Why the hell do we fund fund a government employee this way?

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 20, 2009

WHAT SHOULD BE THE TITLE FOR SARA'S NEXT BOOK



A) Still going rogue after all these years.


B) Levi Johnson is a big fat poo head.

C) Trailer parks of the great north.

D) Tylor Perry's, Madea goes White.

E) Five more chapters.

F) Twilight; Bad moon

G) 2012 - The world ends with a bang.

H) Sara Palin -The idiot you are argueing with.

I) Freaking stupid-nomics.

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 18, 2009

OBAMA'S NEGOTIATIONS WITH CHINA SHOULD BEGIN WITH...


A) Human Rights.


B) Could you spot me a fin for a Starbucks' cinnamon mocha Komodo?

C) Freedom for Internet Access.

D) You give us six coal miners, we give you five hundred investment bankers. Fair?

E) Free the jailed dissadents.

F) Flat rate; two billion and you get George Bush, motivational speaker, for life. He's in very good shape. He'll probably live forever

G) Do more to stop movie piracy.

H) Could I speak to my Dell Customer Service Rep from Shanghi, again? Because my blackberry menue is still not downloading

I) Really? You didn't get that check? Because I'm sure we mailed it. People's Reublican of China, Right?  

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 15, 2009

LOU DOBBS HAS NOW LEFT CNN. WHAT WILL THE ULTIMATE EFFECT OF THIS BE?


A) The illegal aliens who care for his daughter's show horses, are less likely to be paid a living wage with health care coverage.


B) Lou can now file for Social Security without fear of being unmasked as a hypocite on air.


C) Oberman will have to go back to impersonating baseball players.


D) Fox just hired another "fair and balanced" "birther" nut job.


E) The drunks hunting in the woods near his estate can go back to shooting toward his house.

F) Lou can go back to using his full name; Louis I.


G) Lou can assume his public role as the new Wall Sreet graphic novel hero, "Batty Man- Defender of the Entitled"


H) Ultimatly Lou will live a long and prosperous life, and then he will die, peacefully in his bed. And the rest of America will be able to say, "Finally."

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2009

DEDE SCOZZAFAVA, THE SPURNED REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE IN THE 23RD DISTRICT IN UPSTATE NEW YORK, SAYS THE GOP "IS NOT BASED ON ANY SORT OF SUBSTANCE." SO WHAT IS IT MOSTLY BASED ON?


A) Jello.

B) Flatulence and Metamucil

C) Straw and Sticks.

D) Progressive phobia.

E) Cheap cement.

F) The ethos of the 1985 season of Dallas: The Bush years were all a dream.

G) Alcohol and Jesus.

 H) Nothing. Absolutly nothing.

WEDNESDAY NOVEMBER 11, 2009

ADDING ABORTION RESTRICTIONS TO THE HEALTH CARE BILL BILL PROVES...


A) That Catholic Bishops are not interested in helping their flock unless their flock members are rich Republicans.


B) It is still the politics of division. Fear of others for Republicans. Fear of of abortion restrictions for Democrats. Either way, the GOP wins.


C) Chris Mathews remains one the biggest overrated idiots in Washington, D.C.. What an idiot, As predictable as a Republican

D) Give it up. Take the barganing chip, and in two years the reborn GOP will push for it. Or the GOP will be gone.

E) This is war, We are trading lives. Accept that. More women's lives will be saved with health car reform.

F) If you are not disgusted by poltics, you don't reall know poltics.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2001

THE MOST OUTRAGOUS REPORT I HEARD FROM FT. HOOD YESTERDAY WAS...


A) CNN warning that three shooters meant a conspiracy.


B) FOX NEWS clearly holding Dick Cheney in the wings to say "I told you so."


C) MSNBC feeding the direct paranoia from a local Texas station.


D) Oh, heck, Just FOX in general.


E) CNN acting as if they have any credibility left at all.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2009

THE PUNDIT PONTIFICATION ON THE "BY" ELECTION LAST NIGHT HAS PROVEN THAT...


A) Most political pundits are idiots!


B) The defintion of "pundit" has become "A Republican mouth piece with something stupid to say."


C) They learned everything they know from watching Paula Abdu on American Idol.


D) It ain't abouit the election. It's about the pundits. Our democracy has become their game show.


E) Go to bed with Chris Matthews and wake up with Al Roker. What a hang over!


F) The pudits are no longer phunny. Please bring back Gilligan's Island.


G) They should be treated like MLB umpires. Rotate the jobs until we all have a shot. Wait, we already do that. It's called an election!


I) All pundits are idiots!


J) Old Pundits never die. They just keep repeting the same stchick forever.


K) Three more pundits will achieve critical mass. Then we can drop the Pundit bomb on Iran.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2009

WHAT DOES THE WITHDRAW OF REPUBLICAN DEDE SCOZZAFAVA FROM THE RACE FOR NEW YORK'S 23rd CONGRSSIONAL DISTRICT MEAN FOR THE NATIONAL DEMOCRATS?


A) It is time to call anybody still following the elephant a looney, walking in elephant crap.


B) It is time to encourage the Blue Dogs to form their own party. No, really. The sooner the better.


C) RINO: Famous last words. DINO: Learn from your enemies mistakes.


D) That the Democrats should run her for congress in the next election.


E) Get the public option in health care reform in any form. In two years liberals can write their own bill.


F) Joe Liberman has the wrong dick in his mouth, again.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2009

SARA PALIN WANTS 100 GRAND TO SPEAK IN IOWA. SHOULD SHE GET IT?



A) Heaven's no. That's like a dollar for every Republican in Iowa with an IQ over 80.


B) Of course. Hey, she needs the money. Those psychotopic medications don't come cheap.


C) Heck, no. Let her borrow the money from Levi.


D) Yes, yes, yes. Either you pay her to speak in Iowa or she may come to speak in your state.


E) Sara who?


F) Heck no. George Bush has established the pay scale for Right Wing loonies. It's $20. And not a penny more.


G) Absolutly not. If she needs cash let her pose nude for Playgirl. ooh. I just threw up in my mouth.


H) Sara what?


I) Sure she will. And then later she can get a million for addressing the Iowa Lolly Pop Guild In her dreams, dude!


J) Did you say Palin or Pile On? Because I would give 100 K to see that.


K) Sure. And for two hundred grand, she'll even park her double wide trailer at the Iowa State Fair for two weeks.


L) I would insist on it. She energizes the Right Wing base. Both of them.


M) Maybe, But, when she said Democrats want to pull the plug on Grandma, did she mean her grandma? Because I would. If it was her grandma. About 45 years ago.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2009

JOE LIBERMAN HAS SWORN TO BRING DOWN HEALTH CARE REFORM. WE SHOULD...


A) Begin the recall of Joe, now.


B) Ignore it. Joe is such a drama queen. He does this occasionally to get attention.


C) Can you be a Senator without any committie assignments?


D) What can you do? Dogs pee on the rug. Joe pees on the ill people of his state. Hit him in the nose with a rolled up newspaper.


E) Hold an exorcisim. See if the evil in his soul can be driven out.


F) Nothing. He wins. The big corporations always win. The Washington Press Corp sees this as a sport. Nobody dies. So game over.  Move to Canada.


G) Begjn the recall of Joe, NOW!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2009

I came across the following story in the Sunday Times yesterday - October 24, 2009 - under the titilating headline; "Neanderthals ‘had sex’ with modern man". Given that headline, how could you not read the story that followed, even if you knew in advance there were no photos?

"Professor Svante Paabo, director of genetics at the renowned Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, will shortly publish his analysis of the entire Neanderthal genome, using DNA retrieved from fossils...
*
"Modern humans arrived in Europe from Africa about 40,000 years ago to find Neanderthals already living there. The two species then co-existed for 10,000-12,000 years before Neanderthals died out...
*
"Paabo recently told a conference at the Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory near New York that he was now sure the two species had had sex — but a question remained about how "productive" it had been...I’m sure that they had sex, but did it give offspring that contributed to us? We will be able to answer quite rigorously with the new [Neanderthal genome] sequence."
*
"Such an answer might ease the controversy over recent contradictory discoveries regarding Neanderthals. Some fossils seem to have both modern human and Neanderthal features, suggesting that the two species interbred. Yet DNA scans have shown that Neanderthal genes were very different from those of modern man..."
*
Given the above...

THE STRONGEST PROOF THAT HUMANS AND NEANDERTHALS INTERBRED IS...

A) Steve Phillips at ESPN.

B) Brooke Hundley at ESPN

C) The jocks at ESPN

D) The exsistance of ESPN

E) The exsistance of ESPN 2

F) If a modern man can get arrested for having sex with cows, why wouldn't we screw a Neanderthal broad?

G) Admit it, women - you all have at least one Neanderthal in your past.

H) Norman Mailer.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2009

WHAT EVER SHALL DICK CHENEY WEAR THIS HALLOWEEN?


A) What else? A vampire, with blood dripping off his teeth.


B) Who else? Hannabal Lector


C) As himself, in college, with all his deferment's glued to his forehead.


D) As a conservative hippy, in suite & tie, and a button that reads, "Make Money, Not War."

E) As a Haliburton Lobbiest. Oh, wait, he has to wear a COSTUME, not his usual clothes.

F) As the Indian Chief from "One Flew Over the Idiot's Nest"

G) As a motivational speaker for Log Cabin Republicans.

H) As the female hero from his wife's novel.

I) As the sex obssesed bear from Scooter Libbier's Book.

J) As himself. Just Dick. A great big dick. With no hair. And no errection, due to bloodthinners. And a cathater. So, pretty much a useless, pointless Dick, with no real function in life anymore. Just a Dick.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2009

SEN. JOHN ENSIGN OF NEVADA HAS REPORTED ONLY RAISING $33,000 IN  THE LAST QUARTER. WHAT CAN HE DO TO SAVE HIS CAREER?


A) Go after the adulters vote. We know they outnumber the holier than thou prigs.

B) Go after the liars vote. That's the biggest democraphic in the world.

C) Go after the hypocrites vote. They out number everybody. Not that they would ever admit it.

D) Go after the libertarian vote. You would be amazed how many mental patients can still vote in Nevada.

E) Make amends. Burn your whore at the stake in front of your fellow N street uber Christians. It's all her fault for tempting you wiith tits.

F) Make amends. Write a confession book. A really, detailed, dirty, filthy, confession book. With pictuers. And a You Tube site.

G) Make amends. Go on an apoligy tour with Jimmy Swaggert and Mel GIbson.

H) Explain yourself. You have a sex addiction.

I) Explain your self. You have an hypocracy addiction.

J) Explain yourself. Your wife forgives you. Forgiveness is her Christian duty, and not just until she can clean out your joint bank accounts.

K) Go Howard Hughes. Stop bathing. Let your toenails grow. Write a book; "I Found the Face of God in Pizza and Internet Porn!"  Use the royalites to finance your own campaign

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2009

THE MOST IMPORTANT TRUTH TIM PHILLIPS REVEALED TO RACHEL MADDOW WAS,


A) that "Americans for Prosperity" is not about prosperity for all Americans, or even most. But certainly prosperity for at least ten or fifteen Americans.


B) That Tim Phillips is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is.


C) That Tim Phillips should never had gone on Maddow's show.


D) That Tim Phllips is a "pussy" who got the crap beat out of him by "a girl".

E) That TIm Philips thinks he deserves credit because his parents built an oil company.

F) That the only way to get the public option is to demand it. And burn Obama down if that is what it takes. We ain't going to burying any more victims if we refuse to compromise. And after the revolution, we can build a new human non-profit health care system from the ground up.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

THE LEAST INFLUENTAL PERSON IN WASHINGTON IS...




A) Any random liberal Democrat.


B) Charley Rangel's accountant


C) Barney Frank's tailor.


D) Whoever is responsible for dusting off the painting Dick Cheny keeps locked in his attic.


E) Diogenes the Cynic


F) Wolf Blitzler, the putz.


G) Senator John Ensign's ethics advisor


H) Any Average American Citizen who wanders into town.

OCTOBER 11, 2009

FOX SAYS THEY PROVIDE NEWS AND OPINION, JUST LIKE CNN. THE BEST RESPONSE IS...


A) What news?


B) You call that crap opinion? That's like calling the Trojan Horse a statue at USC.


C) FOX has been the G.O.P voice for ten years. If the G.O.P politicians are ratings killers, FOX has only themselves to blame.

D) "The prince of lies tells the truth only to serve his lies"; Jesus Christ.

E) If Roger Ailes was on fire, I would piss on him. I just woudn't stop after the fire went out.

F) Fare and balanced. If it pays, that's the way they balance the news.

OCTOBER 9, 2009

BARAK OBAMA WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!

A) What were they drinking in Oslo last night?

B) Hope, it appears, is eternal. And stupid.

C) Did he do something the rest of us havn't heard of yet?

D) Has it been that bad a year for peace?

E) Once again - standing next to Bush makes Obama look so... much... taller.

G) Oh, I get it. First the award and then the work. I had that backwards.

H) Why not? He's been President for 10 months, and he hasn't invaded a single country yet.

I) Who else were they going to give it to? Sarkozy? It's a Peace Prize, not a Piece Prize!

J) It makes sense. And this year's Oscar for best actor goes to...Jack Black!

K) Ah, the Nobel Committee just wanted to piss off the G.O.P. And I'm good with that.

OCTOBER 7. 2009

TOM DELAY HAS LEFT "DANCING WITH THE STARS". WAS IT REALLY A PRE-STRESS FRACTURE?

A) Yes. In his head. It's the same affliction Sara Palin suffers from. "Don't--Complete-itis.

B) Yes, in the only moral bone in his body. It was so weak from under use, it could have snapped at any minute and cut his throat.

C) What the hell is a "pre-stress" fracture?! It broke before it was under pressure? How GOP of it

D) Yes, it was caused by excessive saliva on his toes, because his foot has been stuck in his mouth for 40 years!

E) Get real! Tom has never entered a fight he couldn't fix in advance, and he's never finish a fight he wasn't sure of winning.

F) Once he found out he coudn't control the judges, Tom was out of there!

G) Kick heels, get check. Got check, go home.

H) A woman with one leg got farther. Maybe she had a Pre-stress amputation.

I) I just hope it doesn't keep him from his next gig, on Law and Order SVU.

OCTOBER 4, 2009

RUSH LIMAUGH SAYS CONSERVATIVE NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIST DAVID BROOKS IS "JEALOUS" OF HIM. WHY WOULD BROOKS BE JEALOUS OF RUSH?

A) Because he makes roughly $300 a minute selling crap.

B) Because he clearly eats so well.

C) Because, since Micheal Jackon's death, Rush is the richest drug addict in America.

D) Bcause there is more money to be made selling the Kool aid than in drinking it.

E) Because he is the man with one eye who gets paid to describe camels to the politically blind.

F) Because Rush adheres to the unspoken rule of absolute capitalism; morals are excess baggage - Every pound costs extra.

G) Because all Republicans aspire to be ditto heads, while Democrats aspire to argue.

OCTOBER 2, 2009

Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) says, "I've not had anyone come up to me...and lobby for the public option" Mr. Boehner is...

A) An idiot! 66% of Americans support a public option. 55% of Ohions do

B) A deadly combination; a really bad compulsive liar.

C) A toady. He will say whatever his masters tell him to say.

D) A whore. He will do whatever his paid to do.

E) Brain damaged. He drank the kool aide in his twenties, and it killed off his logic neurons.

F) An prime example that a mind is terrible thing to waste.

G) A puzzle. By "lobby" does he mean "beg"?

H) Blank. (If you can't say something nice, etc)

I) A fraud. The only time Americans do not support a public option is when you add the word "manditory". But how can an option be manditory?

J) All of the above.

SEPTEMBER 30, 2009

REP. ALAN GRAYSON (D-FL) SAYS THE G.O.P. HEALTH PLAN IS FOR AMERICANS TO DIE QUICKLY. HE SHOULD...

A) Apologize. Name calling does not help.

B) Be punished for accusing the G.O.P of heartless political opportunism.

C) Be nominated for President to replace the gutless Barak Obama.

SEPTEMBER 27, 2009

SARA PALIN'S "LOW SIX FIIGURE" SPEAKING FEE WAS...

A) About a hundred thousand dollars per original idea.

B) The first speech in history with no punctuation.

C) Indicative of how much cash her fund manager hosts have to spend on crap.

D) Cheap at the price for freeing the citizens of Alaska.

E) Worth the lives of every Alaskan Moose she didn't kill while in China.

F) Half what she would have got if she had claimed she could see her house from the hotel.

G) Enough to pimp out Todd's a new fishing boat.

H) A fortune in trailer trash dollars.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2009

IS GLENN BECK THE NEW RUSH LIMBAUGH?

A) Yes, and it is about time.

B) Yes. And Rush can hear the hoof beats behind him.

C) Yes. But who would want to? It's like being the king of the dung beetles.

D) Lord, yes. Time to hand the crown over to a younger, less stable addict.

E) Lord, No. Rush's audience is vulgar. Glenn's audience is just nuts.

F) Nah! If Glenn gets close, Rush will just start taking pills again.

G) No. Satan has many faces, but he is always Satan.

CARTER SAYS THE RIGHT WING IS RACIST. IS HE RIGHT?
A) No. Carter hasn't been right since the Democratic Convention of 1980.

B) How dare he question the motives of Sons of the Confederacy!

C) Jimmy Carter; should have stayed in submarines. Under water no one can hear you biovate.

D) The man has only been right twice; pardon for Vietnam protestors and...ah,,,No, only once!

E) Yes, he is. Good Governor. Terrible President. Great ex-President

F) Duh. That is not the Joker on those placards.

G) God, yes. It's time to call a cracker a cracker.

H) This is the logical extenstion of the Southern Strategy of 1980.

September 6, 2009

INSTEAD OF THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH, FOX WILL BROADCAST...

A) The same old crap.

B) A "The Price is Righ" marathon.

C) Dancing with the Old Fart Republican Stars!

D) American Republican Idol - John Bohner!

E) Glen Beck's final show.

F) Lie to Me (new show?)

G) "Lost, The Lost Episode", The survivors find Torrie Wilson in the jungle and shoot her.

H) Are You Smarter Than A Fith Grader? (repeat)

I) Fringe (repeat)

SEPTEMBER 2, 2009

TO CELEBRATE JIM TRAFICANT'S RELEASE I WILL...

A) Cut my hair in the Traficant wave.

B) Wear my denim suit

C) Pay a bribe

D) Ask for a bribe.

E) Kick a Federal prosectutor in the crotch!

F) Watch Jim's reunion with his hair.

AUGUST 28, 2009

THE G.O.P.'S GOAL IS TO...

A) Stop the progressive movement.

B) Prevent America from turning into a fruity faggy Socialist State

C) Stop French cultural expansion in its tracks.

D) Find proof that FDR was a believer in Satan.

E) Make people afraid. Very afraid.

F) Protect our phony-baloney jobs, gentleman.

G) A little sidestep.

August 23, 2009

BARAK OBAMA DESERVES AN AWARD FOR...

A) Going from Champ to Chump in eight months.

B) Proving that being a Leader does not work when you follow.

C) Not understanding the word "balls".

D) Forgetting the issue was "Health Care", not "Bi-partisanship".

E) Losing to the biggest losers in fifty years.

F) Making George Bush look competant.

AUGUST 21, 2009

ON HIS WEEK LONG VACATION GLENN BECK WILL...

A) Cry.

B) Have a Florshiem-ectity - removing his foot from his mouth again.

C) Have a sense decency transplant

D) Reverse the earlier operation which had his butt sewn to the top of his neck!

E) Surry under the refrigerator with all the other cockroaches.

F) Sue Fox. They knew what he was when they hired him.

G) The usual; snivel, snipe, suckup and slink.

H) Look for a dog who won't learn to despise him.

I) Attend the World Wide Weasel convention.

AUGUST 16, 2009

EX-GOP MAJORITY LEADER DICK ARMEY, WHO HAS BEEN ORGANIZING THE ANIT-HEALTH CARE CAMPAIGN, RESIGNING FROM HIS LAW FIRM IS MOST LIKE...

A) Paula Abdul leaving American Idol because of money

B) Jimmy "the snitch" Bravano leaving the mafia to turn states evidence

C) Admiral Yamamoto leaving the Japanese Navy in WWII because he was killed

D) A flea leaving a dog because it got wet.

AUGUST 14, 2009

HEALTH CARE REFORM IS...

A) Dead as a doornail

B) Victim to the desire for compromise with the G.O.P.

C) Victim to Obama's lack of concentration

D) Victim to the Republican lack of morality.

E) Victim to fifty years of GOP lies about government

F) Victim to the public's bailout fatigue

G) On life support but not dead, yet

H) Now a possible second term agenda item.

I) Going to have to wait until some health care CEO's go to jail

J) A perfect example. The G.O.P ain’t reasonable until they are dead

AUGUST 12, 2009

SARA PALIN SHOULD...

A) Be on the White House payroll as the true face of the lunatic fringe.

B) Be under hormone therapy

C) Be given a breathalizer. This woman is displaying all the signs of hidden alchoholism.

D) Stop giving cougars a bad name

E) Have her head examined. Is there a brain in there or not? Inquiring people want to know.

F) At least be acknowledged for her honesty. She is a pit bull with lipstick.

G) Be allowed to tweet herself to death.

H) Be compared to God. If she did not exist, liberals would have to invent her.

AUGUST 9, 2009

THE WASHINGTON PRESS CORPS IS OBSESSED WITH...

A) TRUTH

B) SCOOPS

C) HEADLINES.

D) ACCURACY.

E) PROTECTING THEIR REPUTATIONS

G) THEIR OWN NAVELS.

AUGUST 7, 2009

THE WHITE HOUSE OPPOSITION TO ATTACKS ON BLUE DOGS IS...


A) Confusing. Does Obama think anybody is right? Or are we all equally wrong?

B) Stupid. Governing is about making choices.

C) Blind. Bi-partanship was not how he got elected.

D) Obtuse. When do we fight back? After our throat is cut?

E) Nieve. Trusting this generation of Republicans is like letting an angry pit bull baby sit your infant.

F) Noble. So what is he doing in politics?

AUGUST 5, 2009

THE WHITE HOUSE COUNTER-OFFENSIVE ON HEALTH CARE IS...


A) Too little too late

B) Should have been planned from the beginning


C) Seems to violate P.T. Barnum's rule about over-estimating the intelligence of the public

D) Seems to forget the TV networks are hooked on drug ads.

E) Sounds like a campaign for high school class president.

F) Armature night.

AUGUST 3, 2009

PROFESSOR GATES HAS BEEN MAKING LIGHT OF HIS ARREST BY OFFICER CROWLY. HIS BEST JOKE WOULD BE...

A) A LAWSUIT FOR FALSE ARREST.

B) IF HIS HOUSEKEEPER WERE BURIED IN THE GARDEN

C) IF CROWLY WERE TO ARREST SOME SOME GOP
NATIONAL RIFE ASSOCIATION REPUBLICAN
HYPOCRITE IN HIS HOME FOR "PUBLIC DISORDER"

AUGUST 2, 2008

KEITH OBERMAN SHOULD START MONDAY'S SHOW BY...


A) Blasting Billo more than ever.

B) Explaining if he has been jerking us around for the last two
years.

C) Explaining just who he works for; the viewers or the head of NBC entertainment.

D) Explaining why we should trust him anymore.

E) Explaining how he is morally different than Billo.

F) Explaining how he could get fired for telling the truth.

G) Explaining the Great Compromise in detail

H) Appologizing for lowering himself to The Big Giant Head's level.

I) Sit and Fetch on air for the suits at NBC.

J) Name the suits who concocted this story.

K) Just start talking. Let's see what comes out. Otherwise we have to go to Billo to get the news.

JULY 31, 2009

THE "BIRTHER" MOVEMENT ORIGINATED IN...

A) The Know-Nothings of the 1840's.

B) The Joyn Birch Society of the 1950's & 1960's

C) The Black Helicopter movement of the 1970's

D) The Trilateral conspiracies of the 1980's

E) The Vince Foster conspiracies of the 1990's

F) Inbreeding.

JULY 28, 2009

BLUE DOG" DEMOCRATS ARE BETTER DESCRIBED AS...

A) DINO's; Democrats in name only.

B) RED-DOGS: REgressive Democrats

C) BAD DOGS: Trying to put out a house fire by peeing on the living rooom rug.

D) DIRT DOGS: Democrats In Republican Tags.

E) DOGGING DEMOCRATS: Taking it easy while the party

fights for reform

F) JUST DOGS.

G) MAN'S BEST FRIEND; If that man is MItch McConnell.

H) AN EXAMPLE OF HOW THE GOP SHOULD BE BEHAVING.

BECAUSE YOU'LL BELIEVE ANYTHING WE TELL YOU

PROPOSED TITLES OF SARA PALIN'S NEW BOOK.

A. A PROUD PRODUCT OF THE ALASKA PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

B. IN THE ASHES (0f the once proud Republican Party)

C. SPEAKING MY MIND (and speaking without a mind)

D. THE LANGUAGE OF DOPE.

E. BLUE COLLAR DIVA.

F. LOWERING EXPECTATIONS (for fun and profit).

G. HOW TO QUIT YOUR JOB AND MAKE A MILLION.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 2009

WE NOW KNOW THAT LOU DOBBS WAS...


A. Never an honest journalist

B. Never more accurate than a broken watch.

C. Always a little nuts.

D. Incapable of understannd that two names can apply to one thing;
like pig and pork, or a "certificate of live birth" and "birth
certificate".

E. Either lieing to his audience or not deserving of his audience.

F. A pompus dick.

G. All of the above.