FRIDAY, MARCH 15, 2013 YO-HO-HO- AND A BOTTLE OF PEPTO BISMO

If you can't afford a Carnival Cruise, which alternative get-away would be the best approximate?

A) Hang out near a port-a-potty at the beach

B) Cancun weekend with Jodi Arias

C) Lunch at the “Smelly-Handed Waiter” Restaurant

D) Weekend at the Bermuda Typhoid Mary Club Resort

E) Titanic “Glacier Bay” Cruise

F) Hannibal Lecter Lean Cuisine Hawaiian Luau

G) Denny's kitchen tour

H) Cpac 2013

I) Weekend with the Kardashians

J) Cannibal Cop Gilberto Valle's dinning on Al Fresco in Little Italy, Manhattan

K) Mothers Day bunga bunga brunch with Silvio Berlusconi

L) Eating your own road-kill with Wayne LaPierre

M) Yom Kipper with Lance Armstrong

N) Self guiding tour of an ipecac factory

O) Being Lindsay Lohan's lawyer week.

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FRIDAY, MARCH 8, 2013 DRONING ON AND ON

In his filibuster of CIA designate John Brennan, Senator Rand Paul most reminds you of which personality currently in the media?

A) Jodi Araias

B) Batman

C) Lindsey Lohan

D) Hugo Chavez

E) Dennis Rodman

F) George Zimmerman

G) Wayne Lapierre

H) Lance Armstrong

I) Kim Jong Un

J) Antonin Scalia

K) Seth Rogan

L) Kristen Stewart

M) Lewis Black

N) Silvio Berlusconi

O) Shia Labeouf

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SUNDAY, MARCH 3, 2013 HOW MUCH WORSE COULD IT BE?

Which show would attract the least public notice if C-Span were to run it instead of the House of Representatives?

A) Toddlers and Tiaras

B) Keeping Up with the Kardasians

C) I survived a Japanese Game Show

D) Walking Dead

E) Game of Thrones

F) Survivor

G) The Bachelorette

H) Jersey Shore

I) Moonlight

J) American Idol

K) Anger Management

L) Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

M) Downton Abbey

N) To Catch a Predator

O) Mob Wives

FRIDAY, MARCH 1, 2013 OH, HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN

What are the worst threats made against Bob Woodward by the Obama White House?

A) POTUS will poo his posts, permanently

B) Richard Nixon no longer takes his calls

C) W.H. Cafeteria soup of the day: Chicken Noodle

D) Chewing gum stuck on his shoe by W.H. operative

E) Twitter “Ul never work in this town again”

F) Front door – dog poop - paper bag – lighter fluid.

G) He's off the Friendemies list

H) POTUS not promptly petrified of his potential publications

I) His Disney World Passport not promptly renewed

J) “Bob Woodward Appreciation Day” might be canceled

K) WashPost Company stockholders ask what his salary is.

L) Press Corps ordered to pretend not to recognize him

M) Phony pundits parody his pompous performance

N) W.H. whisper campaign; “Who's the old white guy with the big head?”

O) W.H. hints he's irrelevant

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SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2013. DOMINA MAY I

Report: “Pope Benedict XVI Resigned...Because Of Powerful Vatican Gay Lobby”. What was the top demand of the Vatican gay lobby?

A) Understated vestments

B) Cardinals right to marry other cardinals

C) Taco flavored host

D) Time for church doctrine to move into the 18th century

E) Sainthood for Dinah Ross

F) Pedophile priests giving gay priests a bad image

G) Enough with the self flagellation

H) Time for the Catholic Church to stop being the stupid religion

I) Just a suggestion – Mrs. Pope

J) New Church spokesman – Pee Wee Herman

K) Casual Wednesday mass

L) Shrove Tuesday renamed Shove It Tuesday

M) Not so important next Pope be infallible - rather be indefatigable

N) Admit the possibility that Mary was a Virgin queen

O) Actual power for the “powerful Vatican gay lobby”

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SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2013. CARPETBAGGER

 Karl Rove has promissed new attacks on Ashley Judd to convince her not to run against Republican U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell What new wedge issues will he use?


A) Just another pretty face. .

B) She has a B.S. from U.K., in French!

C) As a Tamarian on Star Trek NG, she is not a real resident of earth.
D) Couldn't hold onto her husband

E) The movie “Flypaper” disqualifies her from holding public office

F) She never won a Nobel prize.

G) A self-confessed humanitarian

H) Attended the “Kennedy” school at “Harvard”.

I) “Defender of Wild Life” Fund, which Sarah Palin called “a fringe group”

J) Hollywood type tramp. Not a Kentucky type tramp.

K) Was hired by Goody's Family Clothing chain, and they went bankrupt

L) An actor. like John Wilkes Booth.

M) Should be arrested for “The Passion of Darkly Noon”

N) She would never be able to keep Ron Paul under control

O) So “Hollywood”, she's from Tennessee

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SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2013 BANG, YOU'RE SURPRISED

The NRA “Scoffs” at the photo of Obama skeet shooting. What will Fox News say the President was really shooting at?

A) Euthanasia for Barney W. Bush

B) Scott Brown's twitter account

C) Dick Cheney's gun caddy

D) Republican hopes and dreams

E) Nancy Reagan's mother's house

F) Matt Drudge's mother's poodle

G) Some white women, somewhere

H) John McCain's prostate

I) John Boehner's legacy

J) Eric Cantor's chances of being Speaker

K) Manti Te'o's girlfriend

L) The heart of every liberal in America

M) Rush Limbaugh's tax right offs

N) The right of the NRA to put a bullet in their own frontal lobe

O) Wayne La Pierre’s mental health co-pay

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FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 12013 OLD MEN

Arizona Senator John McCain wants to re-fight the Iraq War all over again. What will be the next big question he wants answered?

A) Hey! You kids get off my lawn!

B) Why didn't “The Rural Juror” win an Oscar?

C) Who stole my reading glasses? Oh.

D) Can the U.S. military survive a Soviet first strike?

E) Why is there no crying in baseball?

F) Bomb, bomb, bomb - bomb, bomb, Iran. Now?

G) Why doesn't the Senate cafeteria serve liver more often?

H) Why isn't Elvis Presley national spokesman for “Just say no to drugs”?

I) Do they have to make the printing so damn small?

J) Why is America harboring a communist like John Lennon?

K) The greatest threat to the American family - forced school busing

L) Blurg. Sprft, blurg. Drool

M) Does smoking cigarettes cause cancer?

N) Grenada – communist bastion in the Caribbean?

O) Why won't Lindsey Graham let me hold my own press conferences?

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SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 2013 LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD

POLITICO 1/26/13: Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan predicted Saturday...“tepid growth and deficits” under...Obama. What else did Ryan predict for America?

A) Snow

B) Fire and brimstone

C) Coal for Christmas

D) The Pope will recognize Saint Ayn Rand

E) That Paul Ryan won the World Series MVP in 1998

F) The GOP will be the official party of NASCAR

G) Obama will be deported

H) The GOP will remain math illiterate

I) Paul Ryan will win Tour de France eight times

J) The Party of dum will become the new normal

K) His twitter girl friend will die of cancer. Twice.

L) Blinded by the glow of his shirtless chest, the Dems will privatize Social Security

M) Anybody who disagrees with him will get warts

N) The Press will stop fact-checking him.

O) He will never get any smarter   

SUNDAY, JANUARY 20, 2013. NOTHING IN MY HAND

Politico, 1/17/13:  Sixty-four percent of Republicans believe that President Barack Obama is hiding something. What exactly do you think Republicans think Obama is hiding?

A) He has an enormous schwanzstucker

B) At night, he sneaks out of the White House and steals Cadillacs

C) At any minute he could call for a slave revolt

D) On his bedside table - “Ten Days to Fluent Kenyan”

E) His love of watermelon

F) Cut a deal to have Bin Laden lay low until 2016

G) Has a profit sharing with Fox News

H) Bought his birth certificate in Time Square

I) Was delivered in Hawaii - by a rubber boat from a Kenyan submarine

J) Has a special dispensation from Allah to drink beer and secretly smoke

K) He is actually 4 foot 7 inches tall

L) The White House natural garden is camouflage for a Mosque

M) Has no sense of rhythm, what so ever.

N) Makes Republicans nervous, because he stares at them when they talk

O) Curses like a sailor

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WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2013 GO TEAM!

Politico, 1/15/13: The first blind man to climb Everest, will be a motivational speaker at the GOP retreat. Whom would you suggest to motivate congressional Republicans?

A) Dead-eye Marks - brail sharpshooter

B) “Death Dive” Yamaguchi - ex-Kamikaze pilot

C) Dr. Zachary Smith - stowaway on Jupiter II Spaceship

D) Commander Khan Noonien Singh – Enterprise Institute eugenics expert

E) Maynard G. Krebs - investment banker, entrepreneur, author “I Own That”

F) Jimmy “I have sinned” Swaggart – born-again and again and again televangelist

G) Don “chicken hawk” Braggert – American Enterprise Institute warrior.

H) Bobby “Undercoat” Stevens – Used car salesman, author “Selling Shit As Shinola”

I) Dennis Miller – Comedian, author “When Being Conservative Isn't Funny Anymore”

J) Dr. Mel Practice – Plastic surgeon, author, “Changing Your Face But Not Your Cheating Heart”

K) Huge Match – Interior designer, author, “Negotiating with a Pyromaniac”

L) Betty “Hip” Pocketsry – Exotic Dancer, author “Capitalism for the Morally Bankrupt”

M) Bernie Madoff – Investment banker, Author “What did you expect?”

N) Ronald Reagan - Actor, Politician, author “Who the Fuck Are You Idiots?”

O) Richard Nixon – Politician, author “Do As I Do, Not As I Say”

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13, 2013. THAT'S NO MOON.

Before killing the idea, what was the White House planning to call their new Death Star?

A) Death Star G.O.P.

B) Tea Party Rising Star

C) Fox and Fiends Star

D) National Death Star and Rifle Association

E) U.S.D. S. Dantius Palpatine (R-Naboo)

F) U.S. D. S. Newt Gingrich

G) U.S.D.S. Late Adolescence

H) U.S.D.S Rick Perry

I) U.S.D.S. Alderaan

J) U.S.D.S. Washington Press Corps

K) U.S.D.S. Ben Konobe

L) U.S.D.S. CitiBank

M) U.S.D.S. Rick Santorum

N) U.S.D.S. Mickey Mouse

O) The John Boehner Memorial Death Star

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FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2013. LOCK 'EM AND LOAD 'EM

Which new slogan would you pick for the NRA?

A) Profiting from murder since 1871

B) Semi-automatically armed Capitalism.

C) N.R.A – No Remedy for Armageddon

D) Gun makers are people/corporations too. Very rich, powerful, greedy people/corporations.

E) Jesus with a Bushmaster would not have been crucified.

F) Guns don't kill people. Lunatic video gamer movie fans with guns, do.

G) If every First grader had an assault rifle, Sandyhook never would have happened.

H) White people need bigger ammo clips. We are the new minority..

I) There is no problem that wasn't made better by violence.

J) Shoot first. And often. .You can always apologize to the survivors later.

K) Guns don't kill people. The N.R.A. does.

L) Just because the right people never get shot, doesn't mean the M16's aren't working

M) We haven't really given unlimited gun violence a chance to work.

N) The Second Amendment is twice as important as the First. That's why its number two.

O) Semi-automatic weapons; the mechanical Viagra.

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WEDNESDAY JANUARY 7, 2013. Now What Are You Mad About?

Gallup Poll 1/7/13: 77% of Americans say Washington politics is causing America serious harm. What do the other 12% believe is the greatest threat to the nation?

A) Kenyan “sleeper” agents

B) Piers “No guns” Morgan

C) Obama Care death panels

D) Liberal New Yorkers – like Rudy Giuliani

E) Sharia law in Arkansas

F) Connecticut first graders

G) Whatever Fox News says it is

H) Militant Mormans

I) Miltant homosexuals

J) Self-awarness

K) International Communism

L) Michele Bachmann with laryngitis

M) Valium

N) Fluoride

O) The safety switch on guns violates the 2^nd amendment

SUNDAY, JANUARY 6, 2013. ECONOMICS MADE SIMPLE

Politco: “Rep.Jerry Nadler (D-N.Y.), says Obama should order trillion-dollar coins be deposited in the Fed.” What should we buy with the change?

A) A Jet Ski for everybody!

B) Hush money for Tea Party activists

C) Clone Elvis!

D) Pay off John Boehner's tanning salon bill

E) Replace every i Pads dropped in the toilet

F) National Non-partisan redistricting

G) Send Kristen Stewart on an extended publicity tour someplace

H) Buy every book written by New Gingrich or Bill O'Reilly and burn them

I) Therapy for Ann Coulter

J) Lobotomy for Ann Coulter

K) Buy John Bohener some friends

L) More Football Bowl Games!

M) Less Football Bowl Games!

N) Bullet trains

O) Buy Florida. Redecorate.  

FRIDAY, JANUARY 4, 2013 - BAD CHOICES

Who would make the best replacement for Speaker John Boehner?

A) Entertainer Louie “Looney” Gohmert (R-Tx)

B) Mayor Tommy “The Wire” Carcetti (R - Baltimore)

C) Mouseman Millouse Van Hourten (R – the Simpsons)

D) Congresswoman Barbar “Batman”Gordon (R – Gotham)

E) Buttercup Girl (R- Powderpuff Girls)

F) Gargamel “Evil” Wizard (R - Smurfville)

G) Leslie “Parks & Rec” Knope (R - Pawnee, Indiana)

H) Selina “Veep” Myer (R – Where ever)

I) Epicurian Chris Christie (R- N.J.)

J) William J. LePetomaine (R - Blazing Saddles)

K) Mr George Of (R – the Jungle)

L) Senator John “Manchurian” Iselin (R - Wyoming)

M) President Napoleon Porcine (R – Animal Farm)

N) President “Mel” Skroob (R - Spaceballs)

O) Richard “The Head” Nixon (R - Futurama)