SUNDAY, AUGUST 26, 2012. BIG STORM RISING!

Which will do the most damage to the Republican Party this week?

A) Hurricane Todd Akin

B) Those nude photos of Prince Harry

C) CNN booth collapses for lack of interest.

D) No opening speech by Florida Governor Rick Scott

E) Snooki is in labor! All media rush to cover birth of new Jersey queen

F) Bristol Palin on Dancing With The Stars

G) Mitt Romney's acceptance speech

H) Any one of the 20 strip clubs in Tampa

I) Donald Trump demands to know if newborn Obama was circumscribed – crowd chants “Show me the fore-skin!”

J) Wild crazy enthusiastic Romney floor demonstrations get out of hand – trash the hall

K) Entire Fox News team trapped is up Paul Ryan's ass. Tampa Fire Rescue is unable to free them

L) Arizona delegates sneak a cooler in and start selling beer at $4 a can - riot breaks out.

M) TV Ratings fall so low, the only American left watching is Rachel Maddow.

N) Entire Maine delegation falls asleep. Is mistaken for dead and given last rights.

O) Hurricane Isaac makes a right turn and parks over Tampa. Convention center, filled with Republican activists, floats into the gulf and sinks in non-existent BP oil spill.

FRIDAY AUGUST 24, 2012 AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

What will be the Republican's favorite in-room movie at their Tampa Convention?

A) Ice Age: Gynecological Drift

B) Todd Akin On Mars

C) Snow White and the Huntsman and the Transvaginal Ultrasound Exam

D) Hymen Games

E) Abraham Lincoln: Vagina Hunter

F) Mission Impossible: Paul Ryan in the Tampon Tunnel

G) The Expandibles 

H) Kung Fu Cervix 

I) The Boehner Legacy

J) Wrath of the Blastocyst

K) Underwear: Rise of the Lycra

L) Pirates of the Caribbean: On Uteran Tides

M) Transformers: Dark of the Fallopian tubes

N) Reince Priebus and the Chamber of Secretions

0) Total Recall: Scream 4 Your Life

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19, 2012 PROOF OF LIFE

This week NASA's Rover “Curiosity” will begin its first drive, 1,600 feet across the Martian landscape. Which discovery would you consider best proof of intelligent life on Mars?

A) There is no Republican party on Mars

B) Fossilized Micro-bacteria cells

C) A locked file cabinet containing Mitt Rooney’s complete 2006 – 2009 tax returns

D) Extensive methane-hydrate deposits

E) Subterranean strata of empty Tang jars

F) An 8-track tape of William Shatter singing “Mr. Tambourine Man”

G) There is no Mars edition of Vogue

H) An abandoned Krispy Creme donut shop

I) You cannot buy a Martian Amway dealership - yet

J) The secret retirement homes of Tom Delay, Alan Greenspan, and Ken Lay (Yeah, right. He's dead. Uh      

    huh.)

K) The bodies of three laid-off joke writers from the Tonight Show

L) A very unflattering painting of Anna Wintour

M) TLC has yet to develop a Martian “reality” show

N) No “home-schooling” on Mars

O) “Atlas Shrugged” still not considered literature, on Mars 

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2012 POPULARITY CONTEST

Huffington Post 8/14/'12:"Just 10% of Americans approve of Congress...while 60% of voters agreed "this is the worst Congress ever.” What ad slogan should Republican incumbents use?

A) I'm Batman

B) Time to make Donuts!

C) Just don't do it. In fact, just don't do anything

D) Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?

E) So easy, even a caveman can do it. But they don't

F) When it absolutely, positively has to not get done

G) Sometimes it feels like a right wing nut. Well, most times

H) The slower picker upper

I) Be less than you can be

J) Think outside the job

K) Give a hoot. Its okay to pollute

L) Calgon, take me away Also, Citibank and the Koch brothers.

M) Please don't squeeze the bankers

N) Reach out and shaft someone

O) The UnCongressman

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12, 2012 BALZAC

CNN 8/12/'12: “Mitt Romney was the chief of the audit committee for Marriott...when it used(.the “most abusive tax avoidance scheme in American history”)...'Son of Boss' ” But what is Mitt's favorite tax scheme?

A) Hooker of Boss

B) Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine

C) Gringotts Wizarding Fund

D) One Selfish Prick

E) Greed, Graft and Gut

F) Only Little People Pay Taxes

G) Heh, Heh, Heh

H) Bernie Madoff Thought Small

I) The Happy Miser

J) Vaults of Mystery

K) Rafalca

L) Tax Shelters are People Too

M) Scrooge

N) The Manchurian Fund

O) Grand Theft Legal

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10, 2012 WHAT I MEANT TO SAY

New Yorker 8/3/'12: Porn queen Jenna Jameson clarifies her endorsement of Mitt Romney: "He’s the only person who’s assumed more positions than I have.” Which of her films' titles best explains her endorsement?

A) Camera Sutra

B) Lip Service

C) Porn 'n Chicken

D) I love lesbians

E) Udderly Ridiculous

F) Jenna's Revenge

G) Where the Boys Aren't 17

H) Ms. Behaved

I) Zombie Strippers

J) Philmore Butts Taking Care of Business

K) Horrorween

L) Blue Movie

M) On Her Back

N) Convention Cuties

O) Jenna's Depraved  

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5, 2012 DEADLINE HEADLINE

Politico headline – 8/04/'12: “Sarah Palin: Senate Kingmaker” What should Gov. Palin's new royal title be?

A) Her Royal Highness of Loony-tunes

B) Princess of Hockey-Hicky

C) Duchess of Drillbaby

D) The Lady Ionna Gun

E) The Lady Anita Morroom

F) Dame Emma Pig

G) Princess of Kay Oz

H) Baroness Rapete Fender

I) Princess of En Sanity

J) Duchess of Doomsday

K) Grand Duchess of Egomania

L) Baroness of the No Weir

M) Dame of Dumb

N) Viscountess of Venal

O) Queen of DeNile

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3, 2012 MANY HAPPY RETURNS

What is the most likely reason Mitt Romney will not release his tax returns?

A) He's actually only worth about $2 million

B) Huge buy of Facebook IPO

C) Tax deduction for tap dancing lessons for Rafalca.

D) Major shareholder in “Soylent Green Corporation”

E) Income from something called the “Manchurian Candidate Fund”

F) Charity donations listed as “For the little people”

G) Deductions for elevators for his cars, and a spa and a tennis court for his golf carts

H) Life time donations to ASPCA - $0

I) Occupation listed as “Aristocrat”

J) Still filing 1040X amended returns for 2008

K) He used H&R Block

L) His 2006 return reads only, “How dare you!”

M) His real home address - Cleveland

N) Did not pay off his student loans

O) Primary shareholder in “Spray-on Tan Inc.”

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2012 REMEMBERING GORE VIDAL

Which is your favorite Gore Vidal quote?

A) I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television

B) A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

C) Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little

D) 50% of people won't vote, and 50% don't read newspapers. I hope it's the same 50%

E) There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.

F) Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60

G) By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he's been bought ten times over

H) Litigation takes the place of sex at middle age.

I) Never have children, only grandchildren

J) Our form of democracy is bribery, on the highest scale.

K) That loyal retainer of the Chase Manhattan Bank, the American president.

L) There's a lot to be said for being nouveau riche, and the Reagans mean to say it all

M) Write something, even if it's just a suicide note

N) All in all, I would not have missed this century for the world

O) In writing and politicking, it's best not to think about it, just do it.