SUNDAY, MAY 30, 2010

Now that the "Top Kill" has failed, British Petroleum's next course of action should be...


A) Having all the fish in the Gulf labeled as terrorists.

B) A new advertising campaign, with a new spokesperson - Rand Paul - the face of BP

C) Reminding everybody that oil is a natural substance, not artifiical, and biodegradable - eventually.

D) The new state bird of Lousiana - the gasping gull.

E) The new state fish: the oil eating microbe.

F) Change their name to Bullshit Petrolieum

G) Replacing the drilling mud with greed dye, and in their ads call it BP's "green" revolution

H) Tar and feather Dick Cheney.

I) Dissolve their corporate structure in the United States, and just walk away. BP? Haven't seen them in weeks

J) Release photos of John Edwards having oral sex with a pregnant Rielle Hunter, and hope the press is distracted.

K) Just turn the Gulf into a parking lot. Rename it the Gulf of Ample Parking.

L) Remind everybody, all that oil in the gulf, if proof there is no oil shortage.

M) New soft drink: Diet Oil.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 2010

OBAMA'S PRIMARY MISTAKE IN DEALING WITH THE GULF OIL SPILL HAS BEEN...


A) Tusting anything British Petroleum has said.

B) Trusting anything Ken Salazar has said.

C) Trusting anything BP CEO William Johnson has said.

D) Not arresting Dick Cheney on Day One of his administration.

E) Not going back to the gulf once a week, every week, since the spill.

F) Not following Ronald Reagan's advice; "Trust, but verify."

G) Thinking that any organization works according to flow charts and lines of authority.

H) Not folliowing the drill sargents methodology; Give a clear and percise order, and then immediatly kick  ass until it is done.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 2010

The ultimate lesson from the BP gusher in the Gulf of Mexico is...


A) You break it, you buy it.

B) It takes real experts to fuck up an entire ocean.

C) The original sin was not sex. It was hubris.

D) So this is what it took to shut up Dick Cheney.

E) This are the scariest words in the English language; I'm from British Petroleum, and I'm here to help.

F) These people are no smarter than the geniuses selling nuclear power.

G) Engineer: a college graduate capible of designing a perfectly safe method for shooting yourself in the head.

H) BP drilled into the Interior Department and hit natural gas.

I) Safe: not likely to blow up in your face until tomorrow.

J) Thank God, British Petroleum was not drilling for brains. They would have gone broke.

K) Unfettered Capitalism strikes again!

L) It could be worse. It could be raining.

M) What a lucky break! Now, quick, while the party of "no" is asking "Why not?:, repeal "Don't ask, don't tell".

N) The Lord works in mysterious ways. And then sometimes he is just really blunt.

O) What? You thought that the Bush Keeger just produced an economic hangover? Turns out we also pooped ourselves.

SUNDAY, MAY 23, 2010

Mr. Rand Paul, Senate Candidate from Kenucky,  has called "UnAmerican" the idea of putting the " boot heel on the throat of BP". What other "UnAmerican" remark should Mr Paul point out to the rest of us?


A) "We demand that big business give the people a square deal; in return we must insist that when anyone engaged in big business honestly endeavors to do right he shall himself be given a square deal." Teddy Roosevelt

B) "Only Americans can hurt America. " Dwight David Eisenhower

C) "Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism." George Washington

D) "All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent." Thomas Jefferson

E) "I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." Abraham Lincoln

F) "If the Confederacy fails, there should be written on its tombstone: Died of a Theory." Jefferson Davis

G) "Capitalism is the legitimate racket of the ruling class" Al Capone

H) "Hell, there are no rules here - we're trying to accomplish something." Thomas Alva Edison

I) "Beloved friends and comrades... the national Libertarian Party is dead." L. Neil Smith

J) "I wish the Libertarian Party would get more play in the media but they don't." Glenn Danzig

K) "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do." Benjamin Franklin

L) "A fool and his money are soon elected." Will Rogers

M) "He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master." Hunter S. Thompson

N) "Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it." H.L. Mencken

O) "You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." George W. Bush

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 2010

An Arrest Warrent had now been issued for Lindsy Lohan. Who would you most like to see joining her?


A) Rand Paul; Being a twerp and a tool in the first degree,

B) Glen Beck, Being a paranoid idiot, repeat offender.

C) Sara Palin; Sellling Stupidity to idiots without a license.

D) Governor Jan Brewer, (R-Az); Fear Mongering in the First Degree

E) Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind); Hypocracy with a minor (in sin).

F) Jesse James; Thinking with his penis, and his penis is really stupid.

G) Floyd Landis; for pedaling B.S. in public, and calling it apple sauce

H) Senator Jim DeMint; for pedaling B.S. in public and calling it a revolution.

I) Senator Sen. Arlen Specter, just for being himself.

J) Karl Rove; just for being himself

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19, 2010

Sen. James M. Inhofe (R-Oklahoma) has blocked raising the cap on damages for oil leaks. This is poof that....


A) James Inhofe is a big fat oil whore.

B) The Republican Party remains whores for big business.

C) The U.S. Senate is the 21st century heir to the 18th century twits in the English House of Lords

D) All whores in America are offended by the Republican Party.

F) All whores world wide are offended by James Inhofe.

G) Nobody in Oklahoma seems to love America more than they love the big corporations.

H) The last time the U.S. Senate worked, was during World War One.

I) The entire Washington Press Corps deserves to lose their jobs.

SUNDAY, MAY 16, 2010

THE CRAZIEST THING GLEN BECK HAS SAID SO FAR IS?


A) Empathy is facist

B) Woodrow Wilson was a facist.

C) Progressives are facists.

D) Communism is facist.

E) The liberty dime is facist.

F) "Barak Obama hates white people."

G) Al Gore is facist.

H) Rockefeller Plaza is facist.

J) Social Justice is a code word for facism.

K) "The cavalry has arrived. Fox is here."

L) "You can get rich making fun of me. I know. I've made lots of money making fun of me."

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 2010

The White House has publically announced that Elena Kagan is "not gay". What other denials should the White House now provide on her?


A) She is not from the planet Zorg. And she has never eaten Gloptneck on a Sunday.

B) She has never watched a full episode of "The Psychotic Episodes of Glenn Beck".

C) She has never had her teeth straightened.

D) She has never owned slaves.

E) She never cheated at bowling.

F) She never denied being a maverick.

G) She never farted in an elevator.

H) She has never said something really stupid just to get a donation from some rich lunatic.

I) She never thought Tinkerbell was gay.

J) She has never asked if you were gay. So why are you asking about her?

K) She has never asked if this White House has any balls. And why hasn't she?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 12, 2010

The three blind mice oil executives are returning to Capital Hill today. What will they most likely say in response to questions from the Senators?


A) We were just following orders.

B) Hey, the oil in the pipe line is ours. You get to keep anything on the beach. This way, you get most of the oil. That sounds fair, doesn't it?

C) Senator, we see this as a question of morality. What kind of weasel would bite the hand that has fed it for alll these years?

D) Hey, for thirty or forty million a year in salary and bonus, and the private jet, you can call me whatever you like for a couple of hours, you schmuck.

E) You need to take the long view of things. Those fishermen and their kids will eventualy die. But my stock options go on forever.

F) Oil is a fossil fuel. It was once alive. Us too.

G) Remember the old joke, whoever dies with the most toys, wins? .Well, guess what...

H) No, no, no. I have an MBA. Master Bullshit Artist. That's why I get the big bucks.

I) Micheal Corleno is a legitmate busnessman.

J) Money and politics. What could go wrong?

K) I was as fooled as you were, Senator.

L) See, BP just owns the pipline. Transocean owns the rig. Haliburton owns the cement. I have no idea who owns the oil.

SUNDAY, MAY 9, 2010

NOW THAT THE 4 STORY STEEL CAP HAS "NOT SUCCEEDED YET",  BRITISH PETROLIUM'S NEXT STEP IN PLUGGING THE LEAK WILL BE...


A) Stuff Bob Bennet (R-Utah) into the pipe.

B) Stuff it with tea bags.

C) Have Sara Palin suck up all the oil.

D) Change their slogan to "Suck Baby, Suck!"

E) Hire more lobbiests.

F) Hire more politcians.

G) Who care? The cap was a PR ploy. These geniuses knew what they had from day one.

H) Blame it all on Haliburton.

I) Launch a new advertising campaign stressing the damage birds do to the envirnment! - "They call them water foul for a reason!"

J) Change their name, mark all mail "moved - no forwarding address" and begiin using Dutch accents

K) Continue to count on the stupidity and cupidity of the news media.

L) What leak?

FRIDAY, MAY 7, 2010

OF ALL THE EXPLINATIONS FOR THE STOCK MARKET'S FIFTEEN MINUTE 500 POINT PLUNGE, THE ONE I THINK MOST ACCURATE IS...


A) Greeks bearing too many gifts.

B) Greeks bearing rocks and tear gas.

C) Goldman Sacs was just letting everyone know that if they go, we all go.

D) Oops. I think pulled that plug out.

E) It was a Chinese test run.

F) NYSE got thier wires crossed with a high school kid in Nebraska playing Final Fantasy.

G) Somebody bought the NYSE on Craigslist, and was trying to collect.

H) Dick Cheney is not happy.

I) It was distraction. While the media were watching the drop, Goldman was erasing e-mails

J) It was an Obama plot to justify the re-regulation of Wall Street.

K) CNBC was ginning up their ratings, again.

L) The Masters of the Universe have no idea what the hell they are doing, and never have. 

M) Further proof that no one should receive an economics degree without a minor in abnormal psychology.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 5, 2010

What other conspiracies does (Ex-FEMA "Katrina" Chief) Micheal Brown know to be true?


A) That Brownie's foot not only fits in his mouth, but his head also fits perfectly up his own rectum.

B) That Dorthy plotted from the beginning to eliminate the Witch.

C) That Pauly Shore is secretly funny.

D) That managing horse shows is the most difficult job in the world, Way tougher than running a federal agency.

E) That the people of New Orleans were out to get Brownie.

F) That I.Q. tests are just another form of discrimination,

G) That hireing Jimmy Fallon to host the Emmy awards was a really good idea.

H) That the flood in Nashville is God's punishment for Chely Wright coming out of the closet.

I) That Donald Trump's hairpiece has it in for "Brownie".

J) That Jack Bauer is real, and he is plotting to kill "Brownie".

K) That being "stupid"is the new "blond", and being an "ass" is the new "having big tits", and that being the"Old Brownier" is the "New Brownie".

L) That Brownie will say anthing to save his crummy radio show.

M) That Mitch McConnell is actually a cyborg from the 18th century