FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2009

SARA PALIN WANTS 100 GRAND TO SPEAK IN IOWA. SHOULD SHE GET IT?



A) Heaven's no. That's like a dollar for every Republican in Iowa with an IQ over 80.


B) Of course. Hey, she needs the money. Those psychotopic medications don't come cheap.


C) Heck, no. Let her borrow the money from Levi.


D) Yes, yes, yes. Either you pay her to speak in Iowa or she may come to speak in your state.


E) Sara who?


F) Heck no. George Bush has established the pay scale for Right Wing loonies. It's $20. And not a penny more.


G) Absolutly not. If she needs cash let her pose nude for Playgirl. ooh. I just threw up in my mouth.


H) Sara what?


I) Sure she will. And then later she can get a million for addressing the Iowa Lolly Pop Guild In her dreams, dude!


J) Did you say Palin or Pile On? Because I would give 100 K to see that.


K) Sure. And for two hundred grand, she'll even park her double wide trailer at the Iowa State Fair for two weeks.


L) I would insist on it. She energizes the Right Wing base. Both of them.


M) Maybe, But, when she said Democrats want to pull the plug on Grandma, did she mean her grandma? Because I would. If it was her grandma. About 45 years ago.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2009

JOE LIBERMAN HAS SWORN TO BRING DOWN HEALTH CARE REFORM. WE SHOULD...


A) Begin the recall of Joe, now.


B) Ignore it. Joe is such a drama queen. He does this occasionally to get attention.


C) Can you be a Senator without any committie assignments?


D) What can you do? Dogs pee on the rug. Joe pees on the ill people of his state. Hit him in the nose with a rolled up newspaper.


E) Hold an exorcisim. See if the evil in his soul can be driven out.


F) Nothing. He wins. The big corporations always win. The Washington Press Corp sees this as a sport. Nobody dies. So game over.  Move to Canada.


G) Begjn the recall of Joe, NOW!

MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2009

I came across the following story in the Sunday Times yesterday - October 24, 2009 - under the titilating headline; "Neanderthals ‘had sex’ with modern man". Given that headline, how could you not read the story that followed, even if you knew in advance there were no photos?

"Professor Svante Paabo, director of genetics at the renowned Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, will shortly publish his analysis of the entire Neanderthal genome, using DNA retrieved from fossils...
*
"Modern humans arrived in Europe from Africa about 40,000 years ago to find Neanderthals already living there. The two species then co-existed for 10,000-12,000 years before Neanderthals died out...
*
"Paabo recently told a conference at the Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory near New York that he was now sure the two species had had sex — but a question remained about how "productive" it had been...I’m sure that they had sex, but did it give offspring that contributed to us? We will be able to answer quite rigorously with the new [Neanderthal genome] sequence."
*
"Such an answer might ease the controversy over recent contradictory discoveries regarding Neanderthals. Some fossils seem to have both modern human and Neanderthal features, suggesting that the two species interbred. Yet DNA scans have shown that Neanderthal genes were very different from those of modern man..."
*
Given the above...

THE STRONGEST PROOF THAT HUMANS AND NEANDERTHALS INTERBRED IS...

A) Steve Phillips at ESPN.

B) Brooke Hundley at ESPN

C) The jocks at ESPN

D) The exsistance of ESPN

E) The exsistance of ESPN 2

F) If a modern man can get arrested for having sex with cows, why wouldn't we screw a Neanderthal broad?

G) Admit it, women - you all have at least one Neanderthal in your past.

H) Norman Mailer.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2009

WHAT EVER SHALL DICK CHENEY WEAR THIS HALLOWEEN?


A) What else? A vampire, with blood dripping off his teeth.


B) Who else? Hannabal Lector


C) As himself, in college, with all his deferment's glued to his forehead.


D) As a conservative hippy, in suite & tie, and a button that reads, "Make Money, Not War."

E) As a Haliburton Lobbiest. Oh, wait, he has to wear a COSTUME, not his usual clothes.

F) As the Indian Chief from "One Flew Over the Idiot's Nest"

G) As a motivational speaker for Log Cabin Republicans.

H) As the female hero from his wife's novel.

I) As the sex obssesed bear from Scooter Libbier's Book.

J) As himself. Just Dick. A great big dick. With no hair. And no errection, due to bloodthinners. And a cathater. So, pretty much a useless, pointless Dick, with no real function in life anymore. Just a Dick.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2009

SEN. JOHN ENSIGN OF NEVADA HAS REPORTED ONLY RAISING $33,000 IN  THE LAST QUARTER. WHAT CAN HE DO TO SAVE HIS CAREER?


A) Go after the adulters vote. We know they outnumber the holier than thou prigs.

B) Go after the liars vote. That's the biggest democraphic in the world.

C) Go after the hypocrites vote. They out number everybody. Not that they would ever admit it.

D) Go after the libertarian vote. You would be amazed how many mental patients can still vote in Nevada.

E) Make amends. Burn your whore at the stake in front of your fellow N street uber Christians. It's all her fault for tempting you wiith tits.

F) Make amends. Write a confession book. A really, detailed, dirty, filthy, confession book. With pictuers. And a You Tube site.

G) Make amends. Go on an apoligy tour with Jimmy Swaggert and Mel GIbson.

H) Explain yourself. You have a sex addiction.

I) Explain your self. You have an hypocracy addiction.

J) Explain yourself. Your wife forgives you. Forgiveness is her Christian duty, and not just until she can clean out your joint bank accounts.

K) Go Howard Hughes. Stop bathing. Let your toenails grow. Write a book; "I Found the Face of God in Pizza and Internet Porn!"  Use the royalites to finance your own campaign

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2009

THE MOST IMPORTANT TRUTH TIM PHILLIPS REVEALED TO RACHEL MADDOW WAS,


A) that "Americans for Prosperity" is not about prosperity for all Americans, or even most. But certainly prosperity for at least ten or fifteen Americans.


B) That Tim Phillips is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is.


C) That Tim Phillips should never had gone on Maddow's show.


D) That Tim Phllips is a "pussy" who got the crap beat out of him by "a girl".

E) That TIm Philips thinks he deserves credit because his parents built an oil company.

F) That the only way to get the public option is to demand it. And burn Obama down if that is what it takes. We ain't going to burying any more victims if we refuse to compromise. And after the revolution, we can build a new human non-profit health care system from the ground up.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

THE LEAST INFLUENTAL PERSON IN WASHINGTON IS...




A) Any random liberal Democrat.


B) Charley Rangel's accountant


C) Barney Frank's tailor.


D) Whoever is responsible for dusting off the painting Dick Cheny keeps locked in his attic.


E) Diogenes the Cynic


F) Wolf Blitzler, the putz.


G) Senator John Ensign's ethics advisor


H) Any Average American Citizen who wanders into town.

OCTOBER 11, 2009

FOX SAYS THEY PROVIDE NEWS AND OPINION, JUST LIKE CNN. THE BEST RESPONSE IS...


A) What news?


B) You call that crap opinion? That's like calling the Trojan Horse a statue at USC.


C) FOX has been the G.O.P voice for ten years. If the G.O.P politicians are ratings killers, FOX has only themselves to blame.

D) "The prince of lies tells the truth only to serve his lies"; Jesus Christ.

E) If Roger Ailes was on fire, I would piss on him. I just woudn't stop after the fire went out.

F) Fare and balanced. If it pays, that's the way they balance the news.

OCTOBER 9, 2009

BARAK OBAMA WINS NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!

A) What were they drinking in Oslo last night?

B) Hope, it appears, is eternal. And stupid.

C) Did he do something the rest of us havn't heard of yet?

D) Has it been that bad a year for peace?

E) Once again - standing next to Bush makes Obama look so... much... taller.

G) Oh, I get it. First the award and then the work. I had that backwards.

H) Why not? He's been President for 10 months, and he hasn't invaded a single country yet.

I) Who else were they going to give it to? Sarkozy? It's a Peace Prize, not a Piece Prize!

J) It makes sense. And this year's Oscar for best actor goes to...Jack Black!

K) Ah, the Nobel Committee just wanted to piss off the G.O.P. And I'm good with that.

OCTOBER 7. 2009

TOM DELAY HAS LEFT "DANCING WITH THE STARS". WAS IT REALLY A PRE-STRESS FRACTURE?

A) Yes. In his head. It's the same affliction Sara Palin suffers from. "Don't--Complete-itis.

B) Yes, in the only moral bone in his body. It was so weak from under use, it could have snapped at any minute and cut his throat.

C) What the hell is a "pre-stress" fracture?! It broke before it was under pressure? How GOP of it

D) Yes, it was caused by excessive saliva on his toes, because his foot has been stuck in his mouth for 40 years!

E) Get real! Tom has never entered a fight he couldn't fix in advance, and he's never finish a fight he wasn't sure of winning.

F) Once he found out he coudn't control the judges, Tom was out of there!

G) Kick heels, get check. Got check, go home.

H) A woman with one leg got farther. Maybe she had a Pre-stress amputation.

I) I just hope it doesn't keep him from his next gig, on Law and Order SVU.

OCTOBER 4, 2009

RUSH LIMAUGH SAYS CONSERVATIVE NEW YORK TIMES COLUMNIST DAVID BROOKS IS "JEALOUS" OF HIM. WHY WOULD BROOKS BE JEALOUS OF RUSH?

A) Because he makes roughly $300 a minute selling crap.

B) Because he clearly eats so well.

C) Because, since Micheal Jackon's death, Rush is the richest drug addict in America.

D) Bcause there is more money to be made selling the Kool aid than in drinking it.

E) Because he is the man with one eye who gets paid to describe camels to the politically blind.

F) Because Rush adheres to the unspoken rule of absolute capitalism; morals are excess baggage - Every pound costs extra.

G) Because all Republicans aspire to be ditto heads, while Democrats aspire to argue.

OCTOBER 2, 2009

Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) says, "I've not had anyone come up to me...and lobby for the public option" Mr. Boehner is...

A) An idiot! 66% of Americans support a public option. 55% of Ohions do

B) A deadly combination; a really bad compulsive liar.

C) A toady. He will say whatever his masters tell him to say.

D) A whore. He will do whatever his paid to do.

E) Brain damaged. He drank the kool aide in his twenties, and it killed off his logic neurons.

F) An prime example that a mind is terrible thing to waste.

G) A puzzle. By "lobby" does he mean "beg"?

H) Blank. (If you can't say something nice, etc)

I) A fraud. The only time Americans do not support a public option is when you add the word "manditory". But how can an option be manditory?

J) All of the above.