WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30, 2010

What was the biggest secret the 11 Russian spys arrested this week, were seeking?


A) What are the 11 secret spices in KFC.?

B) What are the goals of the Political Action Committie funded by Seven-Eleven?

C) What was George Bush hiding behind that insipid smirk?

D) Is Sara Palin smarter than Vladimir Putin?

E) Could the GOP really be this inept?

F) How does Bill Clinton get all those women to sleep with him, and could it work for Putin?

G) What the hell was the Polar Bear doing on the "Lost" island?

H) How soon is Facebook going to become lame?

I) Is Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour full of tar balls or is that crap coming out of his mouth just crap?

J) Is Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal a simp or a schmuck?

K) Could the Democratic Party really be this inept?

L) Is the CIA aware that "Telefon" was Vladimir Putin's favorite movie?

SUNDAY, JUNE 27, 2010

SARA PALIN HAS AGAIN COMPARED PRESIDENT OBAMA TO HITLER. IN WHAT WAY IS SARA HERSELF MOST LIKE ADOLF HITLER?


A) Hitler loved to talk about himself. Sara uses Hitler's name more than the History Channel.

B) Adolf Hitler has an odd number of letters in his name. And Sara Palin is just odd.

C) Sara Palin quit before finishing her first term as Governor. Adolf Hitler shot himself before his "Thousand year Reich" was half over.

D) They both have mustaches.

E) Adolf was a war hero in WWI. Sara loves war heros, not that she knows any personally.

F) Adolf Hitler hated and feared Jews. Sara hates and fears anybody with brains, and many Jews are smart.

G) Hitler used fear to manipulate people. Sara, ditto

H) Both Adolf and Sara could see Russia from thier houses.

I) Adolf was supported by a fat drug addict, Herman Goring. Sara has Rush Limbaugh.

FRIDAY, JUNE 25, 2010

THE SENATE GOP HAS AGAIN KILLED AN EXTENSION OF UNEMPLOYEMENT BENEFITS. WHAT IS MOSTS LIKELY TO BE THEIR JUSTIFICATION?


A) Unemployed people don't vote.

B) Unemployed people don't donate to Republican politicians.

C) We can't afford both the $3 billion oil deplition allowance and umemployement benifits.

D) Ron Paul doesn't like it.

E) Rush Limbaugh says no to compasion in government.

F) Ideology is more important than humanity.

G) The economics of grocery stores is not important in the GOP big picture.

H) The GOP are determined to commit hari kari.

I) Stupid is as stupid does.

J) They have never questioned why their philosophy keeps insisting they do dumb and cruel things.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23, 2010

General McChrystal will most likely begin his private meeting with President Obama by saying...?


A) Hey, dude, did you see the piece about British Petroleum's next disaster in Rolling Stone?

B) You would not believe the month I've had.

C) Oops.

D) Can't we all just get along?

E) Hey, who knew anybody still reads Rolling Stone?

F) Was it something I said?

G) Yea, but things were going so well up until now.

H) Do over?

I) Why is everybody picking on me?

J) Sorry, boss.

SUNDAY, JUNE 20, 2010

Which is your favorite quote so far from the FBI tapes played at the Rod Blagojevich trial?


A) " I feel) Good. Just got back from a haircut"

B) "She loves our hair by the way, loves your hair and my hair, because it's all real, I guess."

C) "Blair Hull actually thinks he can be senator, you believe this guy? He's an idiot".

D) Now be real careful, here. The F.B.I. went to see Rosenfield, you understand."

E) "Well, you somehow gotta' get there. And don't pay any bills. Just get...to that $4 million".

F) "Wow."

G) "Alright, we'll be feeding the homeless tomorrow morning at Patty's Place at eleven".

H) "How many bill do we have that I have to act on? Thirty bills...So don't do any of them."

I) "He said, you know, pretty good conversation,..not going anywyere near the $500,000 but he wants to talk."

J) "Yeah. I know. Good job."

K) "I feel like the guy is a big bullshitter. I'm worried about that. What do we do about that?"

L) Well, what's the take? A whole year. You know what I mean."

M) "I mean, boy, some of these people are just blatent in how they say these things."

N) "Jack them up."

SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2010

"UTICA, New York - A Zogby Interactive survey of U.S. adults found that among Apple, Microsoft and Google, 49% had trust in each of these brands...the percentage expressing little or no trust was higher for Microsoft and Google (both 46%) than it was for Apple (35%). The percentage of not sure responses was higher for Apple (15%) than for for both Google and Microsoft, both 5%. "


 The best reason to trust Microsoft is that...

A) They ain't British Petroleum.

B) Who else is there? It would be like not trusting the air, when there is nothing else to breath.

C) Bill Gates steals from the "good enough" and the barely acceptable..

D) I use Word. don't know any better.

E) Apple is not a working system. It is a cult.

F) Bill Gates would never lie to me. Well, not recently. Well, not recently that I know of.

G) How could you not trust Alred E. Neuman with glasses?

H) What? You think more people trusted Bell or Edison?

I) Not trusting Microsoft would be like not trusting God because of Newt Gingrich..

J) Trust is not the same as like.

K) I surf the internet on a typewriter.

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Ennis, Texas, "Daly News", home paper for Rep. Joe Barton, failed to even mention his apology to B.P. What other major news story did they fail to mention?


A) The Union victory at Appomatox Court House.

B) The Supreme Court rulling on "Brown versus Board of Education"

C) The invention of electricity.

D) Sitting Bull's victory at the Battle of Little Big Horn.

E) FDR's " New Deal".

F) The Mexican vicotry at the Alamo.

G) The murder of JFK in Dallas.

H) Evolution.

I) Everything and anything else stupid that Rep. Barton has ever done or said.

J) All of the above.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16, 2010

Who do you hate more than British Petroleum?


A). Adolf Hitler. Too obvious?

B) George Bush and Dick Cheney. I would love to seem them cleaning a beach, on their hands and knees.

C: Rielle Hunter. Somebody with a brain and a soul please adopt that baby.

D) The Producers of "The Family from Hell". And the whatever idoit at TBS who said yes to this thing.

E) Glenn Beck. Once I mentioned Hitler, Glenn just sprang to mind.

F) Simon Cowell. He made a career out of being a dick, really? Why would you do that?

G) Paris Hilton. No talent. No career. No charity work. But loads of ambition. What's not to hate?

H) The entire management at Goldman Sachs. Oh, yes. We can't forget about these guys.

I) Fox News. Just everybody there.

J) Nobody.. British Petroleum tops my list.

SUNDAY, JUNE 13, 2010

AP reports that a "stainless steel tank" from the Deepwater Horizon rig, covered in barnacles and oozing oil, washed up on a Florida beach Saturday. What is most likely in it?


A) Detailed minutes from Dick Cheney's 2001 Energy Conference.

B) The guy who kept warning BP about the Blowout Preventer.

C) The collective souls of George Bush, Dick and Liz Cheney, and the entire BP board.

D) The instructions on how to stop the damn leak.

E) The secret recipe for KFC.

F) Jimmy Hoffa.

G) The Iraqi WMD.

H) Bernie Madoff's escape pod.

I) That one hundred dollars you loaned your roomate in college.

J) More Oil.

K) BP's disgarded press relaeases on the Deepwater Horizon's safety record.

L) One pelican - BP's time capsule plan to repopulate the post spill gulf.

FRIDAY, JUNE 11, 2010

John Napier, chairman of (British) insurance giant Royal Sun Alliance, has warned in an open letter that President Obama's "comments towards BP...(are) prejudicial and personal" The American response should be...


A) Hey,you got your oil in our chocolate!

B) If BP is a British Company, why don't we just pick it up the sludge and dumnp it on Scotland.

C) 1776, 1812, 1918, 1945. How many times are we going to have to kick their asses?

D) BP is no more British than Exon is American. Oil is an independent universe.

E) Hey, ass holes know no country. Let's send the clean up bill to Mr. Napier and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour.

F) Are the British actually claiming BP? Or are the rich Brits claiming it for all Brits, without asking?

G) BP is to big to fail? Evidently. Britian or the U.S. to big to fail? Obvously not.

H) Hey, if Britian will take the entire Cheney and Bush families off our hands, we'll pay for the spill.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 09, 2010

The lawyer for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said in opening arguements yesterday, that ""He's broke....The man ain't corrupt." What other loigic would best prove that Rod is not guilty?


A) If he was crooked, wouldn't he have a better toupe that that?

B) Crooks always have much hotter wives that Patti.

C) Hey, this guy is not bright enough to have been that crooked.

D) Would you buy a used Senate seat from this guy?

E) Does he look like a reject from "The Bachelor" or what?

F) Rod, crooked? Fer getabout it!

G) That is the face of a choirboy.

H) Does this guy look like he is constantly saying, "What?", or what?

I) Heeeeeey. You know this guy. A boob, sure. A victim of fetal alcohol syndrom, sure. Lead Posioning, maybe. But a crook? No way!

J) This guy was a hall monitor! In junior college!

K) Heeeeey.

SUNDAY, JUNE 6, 2010

WHAT WILL BE THE MOST LIKELY APPROACH OF THE TEA PARTY ACTIVISTS IN DEALING WITH THE BP GULF OIL SPILL?

A) What oil spill? Didn't Andy Inglis of BP explain all of that already?

B) Less regulation. Okay, even less. Okay, none. Okay, even less than none.

C) If God had wanted the sea turtles to live, he would have made them BP stock holders.

D) The spill is a Big Government conspiracy to justify big government and the continued imprisionment of the Tooth Fairy.

E) The market place will sort this out, once we get all those dead birds, fish and rig workers out of the way.

F) Life is full of hard choies. What do you want, fish or oil? Birds or oil? Water or oil? Rich or sane? Make your choice.

G) This is proof the American people have been lied to all of our lives - oil and water will mix if you do it on a large enough scale.

H) The oil spill is just a distraction from the real crises facing America - people who want things to get better

I) We have no opinion on the oil spill, but we're not paying for it!

J) I'm sorry, were you speaking to me? I had my head up my ass.

FRIDAY, JUNE 04, 2010

IF BRITISH PETROLEUM MUST BE SIEZED TO PAY CLEANUP FEES, WHAT WOULD BE THE BEST NEW NAME FOR THE COMPANY?


A) OOPS, Oh, Oh, Petroleum Spill

B) GREED. Greedy Ravagers, Engineering the End of Days.

C) STUPID. Slow To Undo Petroleum Industry Destruction

D) WEAK. We Embaressed And Killed.

E) SLIPPERLY. Slimmey Lunatics and Industrial Petroleum Politicans Engineering Reverseing Liberal Yearnings

F) EVIL. Energy Villians Inventing Lies

G) HOMER. How to Oil coat Most Everything Required to sustain life.

H) ICBWWCBNE. It could Be Worse. We Could Be Nuclear Engineers.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2, 2010

BY 4 THE SUPREME COURT HAS DECIDED THAT A SUSPECT MUST GIVE A "SIMPLE, UNANBIGUOUS STATEMENT THE HE OR SHE WANTS TO REMAIN SILENT". WHAT EXAMPLE BEST ILLUSTRATES THIS LOGIC?


A) A drunk cheerleader must issue a simple, unambigous statement that she does not wish to be undressed.

B) A drunk frat boy must issue a simple, unambigous statement that he has joined the air national guard to avioid service in Vietnam.

C) A college student must issue a simple, unambigous statement that he does not wiish to ingest cocaine.

D) An oil company must issue a simple, unambiguous statement that they have been playing Chicken with the Gulf Coast for 50 years.

E) Sara Palin must issue a simple, unambiguous statement that she is just a greedy fool.

F) A President must issue a simple, unambiguous statement that he is a moron and has very little idea what is going on around him.

G) A cow must issue a simple, unambiguous statement that he does not wish to be hamburger.

H) A drunk must make a simple, unambiguous statement that neither he nor the pink elephants wish to speak to the police.

J) Judges of the Supreme Court must issue a simple, unambiguous statement that they are making this stuff up as they go along.